sarcasticsquirrel | Entries tagged with past

so i was thinking that maybe some crazy people the only difference is that they are less embarrassed. like havent you ever wanted to sing but were out in public so you didnt? do you ever talk to yourself at home? its like if you take away the rules that society has for things like that and make it so you wouldnt be embarrassed youd be like many crazy people on the street. or maybe im just closer to that crazy line than others...

i used to be able to go somewhere and flirt and make half the guys there want to go home with me. i used to be able to seduce people. and its not like that anymore. it makes me sad sometimes. i dont even remember really what i used to do. i think i moved differently, talked differently. i think i acted differently towards people. i think after i got raped i stopped acting the same. i think my behavior as far as moving and flirting and such changed a lot. but i miss the attention now.

people used to tell me how strong i am. and im not as strong as they thought. but i am strong. but i think my strength and my ability to survive came from a great love of people. i feel like im losing my compassion and my love for people. i find that these days i dont like most people. i dont trust them. they annoy me. and i dont care as much about helping people sort things out and being supportive and listening to people. i dont know whats happened to me.

i found out recently that i was lied to. i will never be able to get my record expunged. career-wise this will be a big issue. at the age of 17 i sealed my fate. i will be labeled a violent felone forever. and i dont think thats fair.

Current Mood: angry

met with a photographer this morning. then got together with will and hung out. thats always a good time. also picked up an inflatable punching bag thing of the president. yay.

yesterday i went up to pcc rock creek to get a letter of recommendation from one of my old teachers. went and saw my friends. the campus was different. thered been contrustion. the geeks had their own little lair now. saw craig. ive always been strangly drawn to him. it was good to see him. i was kinda sad he has a girlfriend. we always used to flirt and it was fun. also picked up a leather jacket yesterday. i like it. and it was on sale cheap.

my trip to seattle was ok. saw failure to launch and pride and prejudice. my nana is a major health nut. its so fucking annoying. she wont eat any normal food anymore. she took me to get fish and chips cuz i wanted thme and yelled at a lady that worked there for not knowing what oil they used to fry the fish. but the trip was good in general. no fighting. saw a preview, they are releasing a movie about flight 93, one of the 9/11 planes. first of all ick. second double ick on the exploitation of human tradgedy and also the renewed fear i think itll evoke in people.

my nana is losing her mind. we weere on the freeway and she was in the middle of changing lanes when she gripped the wheel and got all wide eyed and started yelling "where are we going? where are we going?" then she remembered that we were on our way to the movies. said she must have been on autopilot the whole way till then. but really i think that while on the freeway she forgot what she was doing. and that scared me.

my mom is having muscled weakness and soreness in her arms. its been going on a few months. she can barely open doors. its scary.

i went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since i was 19. shes going to check again after a cleaning but so far im going to be getting 13 fillings. fuck! ive never had a cavity before. this sucks. my teeth are so bad she needs to numb me for the cleaning.

Current Mood: bored

i was adding schools to my user info through that school thing. they didnt have rosemont. haha. big surprise. ive been thinking about aurda the last few days. makes me wonder if im going to run into her. doubt it htough. havent seen her in 4 years.

i called the detective again to see if he can light a fire under the DA's ass, or at least find out whats going on. if they arent going to do anything they could at least tell me. or gimme my clothes back. fucking cowards.

i act like i dont, but i do feel it, it does affect me. i know that. and sometimes more than others. and then i get irritable and i dont want to be touched and i feel freaked out. and ive been watching a lot of law and order lately cuz jess got 2 more seasons on dvd and some of those episodes make me feel it more. for some raeson they affect me more than the sex crimes law and order show, i think because in the regular show, back before the svu show, they didnt handle things as sensitively.

i know that the cop thought id asked for it. she asked me what id expected to happen, like id agreed to it. then totally wrote me off when i told her im mentally ill and dont take meds. fuck the system. the detective was nice, but then he never called me back. the DA never bothered to contact me at all. i dont even know which person has my case. hopefully someone will fucking call me this time. not that i think that a trial would make things better or would be easy. but i want to know whats going on and i dont like feeling like im being written off. ive had enough of that in my life.

and i dont want to be affected by it anymore. but i know that i cant change that. it just sucks. i dont want it popping in my head and making me feel like shit. i want it to stop.

Current Mood: tired

happy new year everyone. may this one not suck so much! dodger and i stayed home and watched a movie. im glad we didnt go out. and now we are partaking in the time honored tradition of filing our online fafsa for next school year. woohoo! the party never stops here.

i used to make alist of all the bad shit that happened in the year that was ending and burn it. but im lazy and afraid of fire. so ill put it here. and here it ends.

( Read more... )

it could have been worse. but there were some big ones in there. im ready for a different year.

i lived in a house once with a hole in the wall of the bathroom and the bees and the basement and the shoebox was a warning and i had a rainbow on my covers and i was very small. please dont hurt me.

well i just walked over to mcdonalds and got a happy meal and then went to blockbusters and then grabbed a case of soda on the way back home. and i was listening to my headphones and thinking about how ive always kinda been a pop music girl. its really embarrassing. but i always listened to the radio, i know the lyrics and actually listened to things like britney spears in high school. i dressed preppy, shopped at the gap and stuff, i was into school activities. i still listen to pop music. i still dress preppy soemtimes, though not usually around a lot of my friends cuz theyd laugh, and i am for the most part normal. i go to college. i want to do the whole marraige and kids deal and all that normal shit. what is dodger seeing in me? i really hate the thought that i might be a normal, blendable part of society. but it looks to be that way.

yesterday i went and did a shoot with a photographer. he was really nice, i had fun, i wasnt too nervous about teh fact that it was my first nude shoot. he said i did well. we talked a lot. he was doing the shoot for a book hes getting published. he smoked some pot while i was there and found it disturbing and funny just as i did that the smell of it reminded me that i should call my dad. made $50. went to the bank. ran into jessi m. after 4 1/2 years she is finally off the streets and shes starting culinary school next month. good for her. she has always frustrated me. she was pregnant the same time i was. though she is several years younger than me. she had her kid, was homeless, couldnt care for it. now if she had been able to care for it then fine, but she couldnt even care for herself. everytime i saw her she was engaged to some new guy. the state took her kid. then she had another one. which they took aswell. ok, if they have your first kid and your situation hasnt changed you might wanna think twice before breeding another one for state custody. im glad shes getting her act together. i hope she gets her kids back. i feel a really intense loyalty to the rosemont girls. we lived together, we were locked in there together and it was us against everything and that feeling is hard to let go of. i wanted to ask her if she knew where audra is. i miss my angel. if i could go back i never would have let her down. i just hope shes alive. i hope shes stopped the whoring and the crystal meth. i hope she went home to her mom. she has eyes that can pierce your heart. at least when they arent dead and lifeless from too much drug use.

the other day when i went to do the other shoot i was on the #15 going up belmont and i looked over and saw the house, garfield house, and i thought home. safe. i lived there for 3 weeks when i was 16 and i still see it and think safe. (it is the shelter house for harry's mother). its strange, i cant explain it. and what would my life had been like if they hadnt kicked me out for cutting? if the independant living program hadnt rejected me because of it? id have been on my own at 16. my mom was gonna let me go, she wasnt fighting it. hell, shed kicked me out, told me to be a whore, that i wasnt welcome in her house. shed thrown me against the wall and bruised me and yelled at me. i had a job, i was in school, i was ready to be on my own i thought. i was prolly not right, but i thought i was ready. and they sent me back to the woman who threw me out. everyone always sent me back. like when my teacher in 8th grade gave the school counselor the letter i wrote her saying my mom was hitting me and the counnselor faxed it to my mom the last day of school before spring break and sent me home to her for a week with no one to watch me and make sure i was ok. how do people do that kinda shit to a kid? really. i cant comprehend it.

you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey...

Current Music: say my name~destinys child

The Friendly Five

Who was your first best friend?
i had two, james and erica. she was always in pink and white and she was blonde and looked all sweet and girly. i was always in jeans and truck t shirts and had brown hair. we looked like opposites. james was great, and he had lots of toys and a tree to climb and we picked berries. he had curly brown ringlet hair. and i was sure i was gonna marry him. then he died of cancer at the age of 8. only good james ive ever known. i blamed myself for his death. kids do that. if i hadnt moved away...but i know better now.

Who have been some of the most influential people in your life?
bad:mom, james, step dad. good:mom, marion, victoria, sarah, owen, tom, lucas. (too early for dodger, but someday)

Do you usually have one best friend or a lot of close friends?
i usually have a few friends that im close too, maybe one main one but not always.

Do you believe people of the opposite sex can be best friends and not lovers?
yes, definitly. of course most all my friends are guys so its easy for me to say that.

Have you ever fallen in love with a friend?
yes.

now for the update from my trip to seattle...

7-3
it was hard to tear myself away from the computer, from dodgers face and my last chance to tlak to him for days. beat the bus by a block, dragging wheeling lugguage behind me and hauling a backpack too. got downtown to wait for the next bus. the one that trimet.org said would come didnt and i had to wait a good 10 minutes for another bus to union station. then i hauled ass and all my stuff into the train station and into a long line. people tried to cut in front of me cuz they were trying to catch the train leaving in a few minutes. gee, so was i. the same guy totally blocked me when i went to get in the moving bording line too. i tossed my stuff in line and ran into teh gift shop to buy a pen then grabbed my bags and showed the attendant my ticket. its been over two weeks since i was on a bus back to portland. that is not my home. my home is laying safe and cradled in the heart of a man who, as this train moves, gets further and further away. i got an aisle seat. i hate that. had to put my bag in the area by the door and dodgers backpack at my feet. listened to some music, watched the train welcome movie. the in train movie today was guess who? with bernie mac and ashton kutcher. i had wanted to see it but had been embarrassed. i liked it. hehe. theres an hour left of this trip, time for more headphones.
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went and got nana a cell phone. reperfected smiling and nodding. went to dalys for dinner. fish and chips and a butterscotch milkshake from dalys is always good. spent the night at the condo. watched independance day on tv. part of it made me think. he was saying he had been part of something great. youd have to see the scene to understand. he was refering to his relationship, in response to his wife tlaking about career. im not just gonna be dodgers ashley. but this is what i want to do with my life, my relationship with him. everything else is secondary in importance and can be sacrificed if need be. after the movie i was thinking about him, missing him. and i heard a text come in on my phone. i thought perfect timing. but it wasnt him. that made me sad. he hasnt sent a text from his computer at all and i have no way of contacting him. tuesday night ill be back and can see his sweet face again, tlak to him again. nana is kinda annoying me. she doesnt really listen ever or care what i think or say. so half the time i dont even bother.
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7-4
got up late. helped nana learn how to use her new cell phone. it was slightly patience trying, but she caught on. she also gave me $200 for appartment stuff. which means my phone can stay on. yay! went and got a burrito. played spite and malice. i owe her $1.60. haha. damn. the fireworks were beautiful. and they played true colors during part of them, which was my favorite song as a little girl. when i went to sit on the deck in the cold and wait for the fireworks i wished dodger was there with me. instructions are as follows: sit boyfriend in chair, place the ashley in boyfriends lap, put previously mentioned boyfriends arms around the ashley, cover with blanket, tilt heads up, watch fireworks. last year lucas came with me. i texted lucas with a belated happy 23rd bday and texted tom with a happy bday firecracker boy. apparently i like to date boys who are born in the very beginning of july (lucas is the 3rd). wel, no, honestly i just love cancers a lot. also got a call from micah. he was worried about me. he said hell pick me up from the train station tomorrow and on wednesday we will sit down and talk. i would like to be friends with him. i do not want more. i dont know how this is going to go. well tomorrow is maybe movie, maybe cards, definitly food and train. then i can tlak to my boy again.
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7-5
(1:40am) he finally texted me. i feel better now. id thought maybe hed been too busy to think of me and hadnt really missed me. i feel beter now.
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ate, playted more cards. packed. she gave me a billion lbs of fruit to take with me. ate steak and baked potato. went and got on the train. sitting next to an interesting guy. being way too open as usual. hes cute, thinks i am too. hes napping now. 2 hours till we are in portland. micah will be there. sometimes i dont know what im thinking. i want so much for people to be good that i deny any evidence against it.
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micah picked me up. took me back to my place. i went in. i picked up fred. i turned on the computer, tlaked to dodger. its good to be able to talk to him again. ive been down tonight. and i made it worse by reading through a bunch of old shit from my lj's. read stuff about james, the abortion, ect. read stuff from when michael was living with me. read his lj for awhile, but that made me smile. dodger is being goofy. i miss him. will have to remedy that soon. i think my mom gets home soon from rome. thats good, except i have to tell her that i maxed out my credit card...

i need to finish posting my posts from the sf trip but im not gonna do it tonight i dont think.

Current Mood: tired

went to the bank today and canceled both my cards and had new ones sent to me. the bank guy was seriously flirting with me. haha. guys on the street looked at me too. they watched me, long skirt flowing around my feet, hanging off me, exposing my tummy and my hip bones and my hips swayed back and forth. my tank top hugged me and dipped low enough to expose the flesh of all parts of my breasts not cradled by bra. the men they turned their heads. or course they did. i know how to move and how to look.

was walking to the store to spend the last few bucks i had on another case of soda. suddenly everything looked distorted. and i was frightened. i didnt know what to do. i wanted dodger. i wanted to feel safe. he is my safety. and i passed the place where in high school jesse and i gave a homeless man kraft singles instead of change. he said spare some change and we said no but would you like some CHEESE? and he was like um...alright! and i suddenly missed jesse very much. i saw his step dad in the bank today but said nothing. jesse and i were rude and shallow and we shop lifted and starved ourselves and talked shit about everyone and skipped all our classes and were horrible and self destructive. but i miss him. i do.

been tlaking to dodger all night. watched 3 movies. i havent been doing well. i am doing worse and wrose every day it seems. and he has not been doing all that hot either. and he cant handle me going into the hospital. i understand and i wont go. he has problems and sometimes he scares me and sometimes i worry a lot about him. more often lately. and i dont know what to do. i wish i could help him. i need to get down there and save both of us.

i am not doing well. not sure what to do. everything just keeps getting worse and worse.

every time i go out to school at sylvania i think about how i want to get in a car sometime and drive around hillsdale. i used to live around there. i want to find the house. i want to see the house. i cant explain why. but i want to see it. i havent been there since i was 5. i heard it got repainted, and i know i couldnt go in but im sure the hole eddie left in the bathroom wall, the one his fist made, is gone too. and the strawberries, and the swings, and the bees, and the basement floor eddie kicked thigns across so id jump at the noise. i need to go back. the place with no sidewalks. i need to go back.