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Jun. 27th, 2005 02:42 amso i went to the club tonight in good spirits. i talked to people. i was still a bit down but had energy and it was good to talk to people. talked to bill and pete? i can never remember his name. hes nice though. and i talked to reggie. he was bein wierd. said he was picturing my boots above his head. hung out with micah. sorta made him dance with me. we went up to see owen with arms around each others waists. i needed the feeling of being held onto. owen looked up and went "surprising seeing the two of you together." haha. everyone was telling me how hot i am. that was nice. i had a nice talk with bill. and one of the guys i talked to said he saw me a few weeks ago dancing with some guy (dodger) and that i looked younger then, that i was lit up with some kind of lightness. and i was like happiness? and hes like yeah, not like now. and that made me feel really good actually. that is was that visable.
i danced to crowleymass and i could almost see dodger there dancing with me and smiling and talking about scaring the mundanes. and i felt alright. i was dancing at one point and i started to get dizzy and i felt about to fall and from my lips i heard "dodger! dodger?" and i realized he wasnt there to catch me. my heart sank.
then i talked to brent. he got really mad about the cutting and the not eating. he kinda yelled at me, and he grabbed me and yanked me out into the other room to lecture me. he really scared me. he was dragging me hard and he was looking at me in a way that made me think hed hurt me.
then ilia got started. she said that she was really worried. and that the things i said about dodger were the first possitive things shed ever heard about him from a woman. she told me that this is obsession, not love. and that he would be abusive. not physically, but other ways. and that hes really manipulative. that hes not good to the women hes with. her sister was there. said dodger could drop off the face of the planet. (has she even met him?) apparently they talk to dodgers wife, audrey, a lot. they talked about the hurt in her eyes when she talks about him. what about what she did to him? they went on and on about how hes bad for me and he will ruin me and made it sound like he was this abusive fuck that would destroy me. she said that she saw how i was being and its not love, its that im so in love its obsession and i cant think or function wihtout him kind of thing and thats not love. and her sister said that i seemed submissive to him. ilia said if i go down there i will be nothing but dodgers ashley. ill lose myself. and i love ilia, shes a good friend, but i wanted to scream at her, i wanted to hit her, and her sister. I LOVE HIM. YOU WONT CHANGE THAT. JUST STOP.
i need him. and i will get down there. i have to. more than ever this place isnt safe for me. i hate it, i hate everything. i need him.
i danced to crowleymass and i could almost see dodger there dancing with me and smiling and talking about scaring the mundanes. and i felt alright. i was dancing at one point and i started to get dizzy and i felt about to fall and from my lips i heard "dodger! dodger?" and i realized he wasnt there to catch me. my heart sank.
then i talked to brent. he got really mad about the cutting and the not eating. he kinda yelled at me, and he grabbed me and yanked me out into the other room to lecture me. he really scared me. he was dragging me hard and he was looking at me in a way that made me think hed hurt me.
then ilia got started. she said that she was really worried. and that the things i said about dodger were the first possitive things shed ever heard about him from a woman. she told me that this is obsession, not love. and that he would be abusive. not physically, but other ways. and that hes really manipulative. that hes not good to the women hes with. her sister was there. said dodger could drop off the face of the planet. (has she even met him?) apparently they talk to dodgers wife, audrey, a lot. they talked about the hurt in her eyes when she talks about him. what about what she did to him? they went on and on about how hes bad for me and he will ruin me and made it sound like he was this abusive fuck that would destroy me. she said that she saw how i was being and its not love, its that im so in love its obsession and i cant think or function wihtout him kind of thing and thats not love. and her sister said that i seemed submissive to him. ilia said if i go down there i will be nothing but dodgers ashley. ill lose myself. and i love ilia, shes a good friend, but i wanted to scream at her, i wanted to hit her, and her sister. I LOVE HIM. YOU WONT CHANGE THAT. JUST STOP.
i need him. and i will get down there. i have to. more than ever this place isnt safe for me. i hate it, i hate everything. i need him.
broknashleydoll