sarcasticsquirrel: (peices bunny blueanddollsome)

well bunny boy you are 22. *hug* congrats. i hope this year makes you happy. you are my favorite dish. have a fun birthday!
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike loved aftersolong)
i keep thinking itll get easier. that ill start getting over him. but i dont. i love him as much as ever.
sarcasticsquirrel: (mumbles lonely _myimaginary_)
Read more... )
sarcasticsquirrel: (anya broken merctales)
i was watching hells bells...the buffy wedding where anya and xander are to get married. and anya was practicing her vows. this episode seemed appropriate.

"I do however entrust you ... um, with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too.'"

i have a huge headache and a tummy ache and my eyes feel all sandpapery. and i know im not prepared for the test tomorrow. and im not prepared for life without peter. nd im not prepared to go to a group for rape victims and have my vulnerability exposed without peter to come back to and talk it all through with. i want him back more than ive ever wanted almost anything.
sarcasticsquirrel: (anya broken merctales)
he left me. he was the only thing in my life that made me happy. hes the only person i really love. and i lost him. hes gone.
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike loved aftersolong)
so my mom and i went out yesterday.  she bought me new shoes and some stuff for crocheting a scarf.  its been a while and im having some trouble getting it started.  but she also got me the hapy hooker crochet book so im workin on it.  peter came over last night.  we watched some angel and we snuggled all night. 

i still dont know what to get him for xmas. i want to get him something.  but what do you get for the boy who wants nothing?

we also had another talk.  he knew it wouldnt help.  but i knew something was wrong and he wanted to tell me.  im always glad when he tells me.  its  always better whether i feel better or not.  he is afraid we arent going to make it.  he said the conversations still suck.  and he said that i never pounce on him and make him feel wanted. 

i told him ive been usy with starting work and finishing the school term.  ive been setting things up in therapy to work on the conversation stuff.  this is one of my worst issues and it is taking me some time.  i feel like im trying to rush it and i need to be more careful with myself.  i apologized to him for being broken.  im not totally assembled.  this ashley is some assembly required. 

as far as the pouncing that is hard.  its not just my confidence.  i try kissing on him and sitting on his lap to distract him and get him to notice me but he never seems to.  i could all out pounce but i never feel like its a good idea.  he says it is but...ever since he told me that sex with me sucks i havent felt wanted by him, not once.  so trying to get him into it always sounds like a horrible and useless idea.  like it wont matter what i do cuz it wont be any good.  i want him constantly but i dont think it does any good.  and i dont think that showing him would make that much difference.  id like to try but just the idea always just makes me feel bad.  i still want to try.  need to make myself try.  its just that i wont ever know really if he actually enjoys any of it so ill always be self concious. 

he held me and cried into my lap and it hurt my heart but i held him and he pulled it together.  im glad he trusts me.  i want to be there to comfort him.  and i cried and it hurt hi and he held me and wiped my tears away.  and he told me he loves me and hes still here and i pulled it together and we cuddled. 

i love him so much and i will do what i need to to be with him.  im not doing anything that i feel i shouldnt.  im not changing anything that didnt need changing reguardless of him.   he feels wrong about asking all these things of me.  but they needed to be done.  hes giving me the kick in the ass i need.  everyone who knows me from before peter has seemed really impressed by how ive been since i got together with him.  more stable, really having my shit together.  hes my white knight after all.  he doesnt see it.  he isnt impressed.  i went from a girl slicing herself up in his bathroom to one that needs to work on her communication and he doesnt seem to notice. 

i can do this, i can handle whats going on.  but it hurts my heart, all of this.  and hes hurting, i know he is.  but its worth it to me.  hes worth it.  i cant explain it. love isnt logical or rational.  its not brains, its heart.  just trust me that i know what im doing and its the right hting for me. 
sarcasticsquirrel: (lovebirds animated antonella87)
today i cleaned my whole house and successfully made an apple pie with peter.  speaking of, i adore that boy.  he actually makes me feel happy.  i laugh and smile and all those things i dont normally do. 
sarcasticsquirrel: (romance animated antonella87)
peter always has things to talk about. he thinks he bores me but he doesnt. i love that he knows about all these things cuz then i get to hear about them.

sometimes we are talking at night in bed and he falls asleep. and it makes me kinda sad sometimes cuz then i cant talk to him anymore. i like that im still so infatuated with him. i like that its still cute that he hogs the bed and i can open my eyes when hes sleeping and watch him and smile. i like to walk around with him while he talks about random things. and i love that he gets excited about things. i dont generally get excited about things very often. or i dont show it. i like to watch his eyes light up when ideas make him all sparky inside.

i tell him hes an asshole. and he is. but hes also really sweet and caring. he wanted to be my white knight when he met me. then he seemed disappointed by the reality that he couldnt. but i think that he is, in a more reality based way. he just doesnt see it because in the real world the white knight doesnt swoop in and make it all better and rescue the girl completely. he can come in and take her away on his horse but then he has to tackle all the thigns that put her in the situation of needing to be rescued. peter isnt fixing me. and im glad. but hes making it easier for me to fix myself. and making me want to.
sarcasticsquirrel: (lovebirds animated antonella87)
saturday i worked then peter and i went to get some food. after that we went to see marie antionette. i liked it. it was good but not great in my opinion.

sunday was our 4 month anniversary. we woke up and we went to saturday market. we went to the puppet man like on our first date. he got me a skunk pupet and him a bunny puppet named marmalade. very cute. then we had an elephant ear and went to powells. i got a book on sewing and he got one on oxygen. then we were off to washington square. he made a build a bear ashley. its a penguin. and i got the build a bear peter some glasses. we went back to my place and watched angel on dvd. then we cuddled and he did my nails and then he went home.

the whole weekend was nice and sweet and wonderful. i was very happy with it.

today i went to school. i was bored in class. and wet. then peter and i met for lunch. then i went and did a shoot. after that jess and i went to the fabric store where i paid my first born child. i got enough stuff to make a hat, a hoodie, and a doll.

also im sadly going to have to retire emmet the otter backpack for the season. hes going to mold if he keeps getting soaked. dammit. ill miss him. hopefully ill pull him out in spring.

other unhappiness. peter says theres a good chance of him being in utah for 4 months. i do not like this idea. big surprise. i dont want to be alone here without him for 4 months. that will be horribly lonely. and im not even sure he will feel anything for me after being away from me that long. i wish i could go with him but i wouldnt have anywhere to stay. and id just be in his way. he asked me what i thought and i told him i wanted him to be happy. cuz he cant stay becuase i want ihm to. hell just end up hating me.
sarcasticsquirrel: (animated love antonella87)
today peter and i went to krispy kreme for breakfast. then he drove me to my shoot. the guy was very nice and he had a cute kitty. the shoot was simple and easy. i had a good time. then i went to finnigans. after that peter came over and we watched cars and had sex. he looked at me today like im so beautiful. it was really nice. then we went cosmic bowling. that was fun. i sucked a lot but i found out that one of the reasons my scores were so low was i kept fouling by going over the line and there was a sensor. dammit. now im home. all my poems are typed up and ill take the pictures soon. then the images will have to be edited and the pages will all have to be laid out right. does anyone know how to lay out pages for printing in like a pdf file?
sarcasticsquirrel: (lovebirds animated antonella87)
i never had a chance. i met peter, started talking, and i was gone. my heart was his. i felt like i saw him, really saw him, like i never see most people. i felt alive. i felt free and young and happy. it was like floating and time stopped and everything was new but at the same time so comfortable that it was like wed always been here like that.

yes the shiny new relationship has worn off. yes things are work now. yes weve had our problems. but he still makes me so happy. and i still look at him and just get filled with this intense feeling of love. he evokes some of the only real smiles i have anymore.
sarcasticsquirrel: (meant to be animated antonella87)
"Bottom the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something."

i heard this and i thought yeah, and i did and will continue to. no relationship is easy. but "nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. youve gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight."
sarcasticsquirrel: (service girl slightlyiconic)
i woke up next to peter this morning. we cuddled a bit then he was up doing things and i was tired in bed. i went to class. the ta that was filling in today had some issues:

1. she was too quiet
2. she was boring
3. you could only read half her overhead notes
4. the information wasnt interesting either

so a good portion of the class left. i was part of this group. i went to the library and printed off another transcript request form cuz i keep fucking them up. dont ask me how.

i met up with peter. we went to go see a movie. we ate first. then the movies werent playing for several hours. so we went to his place. we had a lovely day of sex and cuddling and talking. then we went and saw the prestige. it was really good. very interesting movie.

i had a really nice day with peter. i feel good now. he makes me smile. he makes me happy. the real kind of happy not the hyper im 5 years old kind.

in other news my dvd thingy isnt copying them anymore so i need to try a new program and hope its not the fucking burner again. also i need to accept my financial aid but i am not sure about lenders and i hit the accept button but didnt finish so i think i start over if i do it again. im not sure i wanted to accept all the aid that i did. i only took the grants and sub. loands but i still will have excess and im not sure i want to take it. though if i do i can put a good portion of it towards the credit card. i feel like im thinking of the now and not the later. but honestly i think my credit card rates are so high itd be a better deal. heh. sadness.
sarcasticsquirrel: (me glasses)
i woke up with a horrible stomach ache. i forced myself to get up and then spent all my studying time puking up stomach acid. then i made myself get dressed and go to school. took a test and i missed the last 2 essay questions but other than that i think i did really well. it took me hours to get over the stomach ache though.

peter and i had lunch today. and we were talking. and i sat in his lap and we were hugging and kissing and it was all cute and great. then i met with a photographer who seems like hes going to be good to work with. then peter and i met up again. and we went and talked to some people about different things i needed to get done. im looking into different counceling. and everything was good. we went to a movie. we saw running with scissors. i did not like it. the trailers look great. the movie is so fucking disturbing and depressing i wished for my own damn death. peter looked visably upset and i would have happily left when he showed signs of discomfort but he seemed to wave away that thought.

afterwards he told me things were over and to let him go. and i couldnt accept it. and i cried and we talked. and he took me to my place out of the public view where id been bawling my eyes out. and we talked and cuddled and laughed. and i feel better. im worried. i love him dearly. he says im offering him the moon. but dammit ill deliver. ill do everything i say i will. and ill put whatever effort is humanly possible into this relationship because thats how much he means to me. all i want is a chance. hes still thinking. he was feeling better when he left.

he hasnt really been seeing all of me. i didnt even realize. but i need to show him the deeper parts. not the depressing stuff but the part of me that isnt toys and pop culture and cute animals. i need to show him theres more to me. im an intelligent woman. ive been afraid of that for a long time because it would mean trying and mean going through what i did when i was younger where i tried and tried and never lived up to my own sky high expectations. but its time again. im wasting my mind. im wasting myself. and its costing me so much.
sarcasticsquirrel: (i love you isis2015)
peter came over tonight. we talked about a lot of things. it was hard but i think we did discuss a lot. some of it was painful and some of it was pretty obvious. and there was cuddling. that was really nice. and i cried again and that was kinda embarrassing. and i have a huge headache which didnt help. i had so much hope after the talk friday night. i felt like there was this freshness and like we were talking like we did when we first started talking. now ive given over to the fear. i dont want to lose him. i dont think its the right thing for him either. i think itd be a mistake to give up. but its not up to me. i love him so much and theres so much worth saving. i just hope he sees that.
sarcasticsquirrel: (notebook sex magique_icons)
im watching the saddest love movie i have (the notebook). i miss him.

i was listening to the rain beat against the window earlier. texted him to make sure he was not down with all this weather. i figured he was out with friends. i shouldnt have bothered him. but i did. it was a mistake. he was out having fun and i interfered.
sarcasticsquirrel: (linus smelltheflowers)
ive been cleaning today. almost done. kitchen and bathroom are clean. main room is clean. im just folding the last of my laundry. yay. ive also been working on a quilted purse from a kit i got a while back. its going to be nice when im done. when the dishes are done going through the dishwasher i should make dinner. other plans for tonight include homework and studying. beyond that im not sure. ill get bored sometime in the next couple hours im sure.

i really want to take some sewing classes. and learn how to make my designs into patterns or at least make them translate into something i can make.

thinking of peter crying on his mothers shoulder breaks my heart. i just want to pick him up in my arms and hold him till its all better. i want to make things better.

i need to make things better for myself too. ive been getting more on track at school which i really needed to do. i need to turn in my hot topic application. anyone have any recommendations on other places to apply? id rather do retail than food but can also do food. the modeling is cold in the winter and its not paying enough now that im barely doing photography. id rather have a part time job and occassionally do an art class.

i want to get the pictures done for my book. i need a girl to pose for me. close ups, nothing where youd be recognized. anyone? i also need to go to the beach to take a picture of the ocean. and to eat fish and chips. hehe.

i think that peter and i have been walking through our relationship not really tlaking like we used to. there is a tendency in relationships to get used to each other and be in a routine and not really have conversations like you have with your friends or someone youve just met. i realized after talking to him last night it was like waking up. we hadnt been talking like that and we need to. he didnt know anything about me it seemed. i mean he does, but he doesnt. its like he sees this boring side of me and has no idea about my project and plans. he also doesnt know what im struggling with or where i am in my head. and he doesnt erally know what im studying. i dont want to just be with someone like you are with an object thats next to you.

we need to talk more, actually talk. i think its not that we arent trying but that weve been asking the wrong questions. and then he ends up only hearing im bored or youre cute from me. though when i tell him hes cute it doesnt really mean that. i mean he is cute and i mean that. but its more than that. its like i look at him and i feel all this love and affection inside me and im not really sure how to express it. so i say that and it doesnt sound right but i never came up with a better thing to say.
sarcasticsquirrel: (spike loved aftersolong)
talked to peter online tonight. it was one of the best talks weve had in a long time. we are going to sit down and talk sunday.
sarcasticsquirrel: (i love you isis2015)
tienes mi corazón
sarcasticsquirrel: (i love you isis2015)
i was trying to think what im going to do with myself now that im single. see not only have i only been dumped one other time in my life, but i havent been single since 2003. and even then the last time i was single i was spending all my time with my soon to be next boyfriend lucas. the last time i was really really single was in 2002/2003 for a year and i totally slutted around. and i considered that. but then i realized peter would no longer be the last one who touched me that way. i want him to be the last one who touched me in that way. if he isnt its like im erasing him. like his body isnt melting into mine anymore. i cant feel his touch on my skin but i dont want to feel someone elses either.


sarcasticsquirrel: (Default)
sarcastic squirrel

January 2017

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