(no subject)

i want to cut my chest open and expose my ribs. but i have an interview tomorrow, hav e to be nude. i keep cutting but its not enough. i squeez the cuts to make them bleed more after they stop or if they dont bleed. and it hurts and its still not enough. and i want the blood. i do. and im not stopping. and im getting worse. and i dont know what to do anymore.

and he needs me and he needs me to be strong and im not there enough for him. and he needs me not to go in the psych ward and leave him laone like that. so i need to figure out another way to protect myself from me. i dont know what to do. i dont know how to cope. i cant take care of myself and i cant trust myself.

im never gonna make it down there am i? i wont keep myself togehter that long.

(no subject)

went to the bank today and canceled both my cards and had new ones sent to me. the bank guy was seriously flirting with me. haha. guys on the street looked at me too. they watched me, long skirt flowing around my feet, hanging off me, exposing my tummy and my hip bones and my hips swayed back and forth. my tank top hugged me and dipped low enough to expose the flesh of all parts of my breasts not cradled by bra. the men they turned their heads. or course they did. i know how to move and how to look.

was walking to the store to spend the last few bucks i had on another case of soda. suddenly everything looked distorted. and i was frightened. i didnt know what to do. i wanted dodger. i wanted to feel safe. he is my safety. and i passed the place where in high school jesse and i gave a homeless man kraft singles instead of change. he said spare some change and we said no but would you like some CHEESE? and he was like um...alright! and i suddenly missed jesse very much. i saw his step dad in the bank today but said nothing. jesse and i were rude and shallow and we shop lifted and starved ourselves and talked shit about everyone and skipped all our classes and were horrible and self destructive. but i miss him. i do.

been tlaking to dodger all night. watched 3 movies. i havent been doing well. i am doing worse and wrose every day it seems. and he has not been doing all that hot either. and he cant handle me going into the hospital. i understand and i wont go. he has problems and sometimes he scares me and sometimes i worry a lot about him. more often lately. and i dont know what to do. i wish i could help him. i need to get down there and save both of us.

(no subject)

tell me if you think this fits me. i want everyones opinion...

Diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV-TR)

The DSM-IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (see DSM cautionary statement) as a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5)
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating; [not including] suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5)
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

(no subject)

If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend,
and whom you would not have met without the internet, post this sentence in your
journal.

(no subject)

so i kept getting woken up today. bah. fuckers. hate you all. micah showed up at my door a little more than an hour before my alarm was to go off. we talked and then i bathed and got ready for the interview. micah dropped me off. i went up and met the guy. asked ihm what he was looking for. and we talked briefly then i stripped and he took a few photos of me. he will be sending them to his clients to see if they are interested. i will have to dye my hair a normal color. also i agreed to do a site called city girls. this i will not be paid for. but he will take 500-900 pictures of me and i will have not only copies but the rights to them. only thing he gets is the ability to use them on city girls. then he will help make me a account on a site where models put up photos and get work. then i should be able to get a lot of work. and he said he can have me up on there in like 2 days. so i go back tomorrow to do that. im hoping that will jump start things and i can start bringing in some cash.

next thursday im meeting another photographer. we shall see how that goes. he sounded really nice.

my phone is about to be shut off. i owe 208 dollars. i really need a working phone. if anyone can help me out i can pay you back. my mom is out of the country and not able to be contacted for help. anyone that can do this for me? it would be a loan not a gift.